It is a beautiful, crisp, sunny fall morning. Outside my window, the long, morning shadows stretch across the grass, drenched bright green with sunlight. Usually on beautiful days like this, my mood is high. But today, it is still sunken from an issue I’ve been wrestling with very recently. I would be fully transparent with you, but it involves a family member, and I don’t want to disclose his/her business. But it makes me sad; in fact, I’ve been sad for a few days, and I’ve been going through waves of “just move on” and “why??” It’s a stupid, superficial thing that happened, but in it are deeper, more meaningful issues that fetter my mind and leave my heart slightly cracked and oozing.
That, along with the worry for a family member that I can disclose: my little brother. He has struggled with many demons since the death of our brother, and I’m afraid he is struggling still.
And to top it off, I had a dream with a heavy undertone. In one part of my dream, I was sitting by a beach with large rocks and stones, but I was sitting more by the edge of a kind of cliff that sloped into the water. There were 3 of us sitting and talking. Suddenly, the tide started coming in, and when I looked down, the water was already to my knees. We clambered away towards higher ground – the sands had started rolling away into the sea, leaving us standing in even deeper water. I reached up to grab the sandy incline, and I could see a large, smooth stone jutting out, but I knew that if I grabbed it, it would dislodge into my hand, so I had to grab the sand as I turned around and reached to help my friend with my other hand. It was a senseless attempt in my mind: How could I help my friend when I had no firm grasp of something solid myself? I dug my hand into the sloped ground, and instructed that we pulled both legs up over the edge and rolled onto the new cliff. Somehow, senselessly, we made it. In my mind, I insisted that we make it, and so we did.
So I woke up this morning with the weight of my worries and the tarry residue of my dream.
After dropping off my little one to school, every song on the radio, which I would normally be jamming to, just felt inappropriate, and I found myself feeling frustrated with my inability to connect to the sense of joy and gratitude in which I’ve been residing.
But as I look out my window at the sparkling jewel-toned leaves and bright stillness of the world beyond the cloud that I’m steeping in, I’m thinking, I must remember this. I must remember how hard it is to feel happy when something clasps at your heart and hangs on, like a cold pendulum – everywhere you go, however you move….so hard to not fell the tug and swing, weighing down your desire to jump for joy for the many other wonderful things in life.
I thought of a friend of mine who was going through a painful situation recently, and to whom I had tried to transfer some of my strength and joy to help her deal with her situation, but I could see that she was unaffected by my efforts. I have not been in this space for a long time, and I shirk at every insinuation of it, but sometimes you cannot help but pass through it, especially when it involves someone you love, and especially-especially when you are like me, who feels in full saturation.
So I am going to steep for just a moment longer, to connect with those who cannot shake off the pendulum, and think of how I can help them when they are feeling like this. I think I may already have the answer.